Transitions: Separation Anxiety

To have anxiety is to worry about what may happen. To separate is to divide or keep apart.  Put these two words together, and you have a problem! Okay parents and guardians, this one is for you.

Life Rewind 

Today is my birthday, and I am enjoying doing absolutely nothing! Okay I am writing this post, but that's beside the point! This morning just after 5:00 am, My hubby, second daughter, and I sent our first daughter off on a tennis and college tour trip to Chicago. My child has made it to the "Windy City" before me! I didn't get to take a sports trip by myself until I was in high school and on the track/cross country teams! Plus we were never gone for five days!!

As the family and I were watching the kids and coaches board bags, luggage, and themselves on the chartered bus, another parent took note of my calm demeanor. She said I seemed relaxed, like I have done this before. I have, for this is the third time I am seeing my daughter off on a five day trip to another state! This was the parent's first time sending her child off, who is just shy of a decade. My child had just turned a decade a few months before her first trip two years ago. Her tennis center was going to play in a tennis tournament in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. 

My baby on her first away trip!.
Photo by Kaisha S. Goring
Copyright July 2013.
All Rights reserved.

Now as the concerned parent and I were talking about the Chicago trip, I began to sense her concerns and her feelings of separation anxiety. Like this mom, I too had concerns when my first born took her first trip without the family. I kept telling myself that she would be fine, because we have family in South Florida. It also turned out that my husband was starting a job there, and would be able to check in on her. However, just the thought of my daughter traveling without us was messing with my head. Also I was upset about the timing, because we had just come back from our vacation in Miami. I, nor my youngest daughter got to see my eldest play.

The second year my daughter left me was last year, and again around my birthday!! Not cool planners of these tennis trips! I did voice my opinion on that last year, but I see my opinion doesn't count with these trips (which are planned about a year in advance-uh so is our family vacation!). Just like the first trip, the separation anxiety was there. The problem was the lack of information about what the itinerary would be for the kids. Also that parents were not encouraged to come on the trip. So even if you wanted to come watch your child play, you had to find your own way.

Basically you have to trust that the center has your child's best interest at heart. But when you are a parent who is giving his/her child permission to go on a long trip such as this for the first time, you want all the information possible. You have a right to know where, when, why, what, and how your child will be taken care when away. If you want to travel to see your child, then you have a right to go (even if you pay for your expenses). I have come to understand that this how the center operates, but this kind of operation doesn't put a parent's separation anxiety to rest. Especially in this day and time, the unknown can be dangerous. This is why my child has a phone now, which has kept my mind at ease so far. I can now communicate and see what she is doing via Face Time (ah technology!). 

Now Press Forward    

My baby bright/ early this morning.
Photo by Kaisha S. Goring
Copyright July 2015.
All Rights Reserved.

As I have been writing throughout today, my mind has been wondering about my daughter being away. She knows it was a privilege and honor (in which she worked hard for) to go on this trip. She plays well, but also had to do her school work (most of her summer packet) before getting the okay to go from my husband and I. Yet, I keep thinking about the conversation I had with the parent this morning. It turns out she has family in Chicago, and like me (with Florida), has been thinking about going to check in on her child. I explained that the children were going on an educational trip, and that they were not playing the traditional type of tennis tournament. What I learned from my child last year is they play against other kids from other tennis centers from across the country. Their main purpose for the trip is to get a feel for college life on campus. Last year, the kids went to Tennessee State and Fisk University. Giving the children (some who never get to travel outside of where they live) a head start in thinking about college (also hopes of getting a tennis scholarship) is a great idea. I think every child should have an opportunity to travel and learn about higher education.

I will say the tennis center does have the kids best interests at heart, and I see what they are trying to do. They will if anything give the children an opportunity to think and see beyond. The kids get to experience life as a college student, yet at younger ages while still getting their tennis on. My concern again goes back to parents like the mom this morning and myself from two years ago. There has to be a better way to put our minds at ease. There should be a first time parent orientation or a parent liaison, who can explain how these trips work. Parents should not just get the" trust us" routine. Even though we get information on where they are going to be, time to leave, and what to bring (blankets, pillows, money, etc.), it still feels like we the parents are out of the loop. It is almost like our presence will hinder what the tennis center wants to do. Parents like me will feel less anxiety when our questions are answered.

So I think an opportunity has presented itself again, in which at least a discussion can be had with the administration about putting parent separation anxiety at ease. I will say the mom from this morning did say that I helped put her mind at ease. I am glad I was able to ease her separation anxiety for even  a moment. Stay tuned for another installment of Life Rewinds, Now Press Forward.

Kaisha

Blog post Copyright July 6, 2015/July 7, 2015
All Rights Reserved.

Transitions: Look Who is Getting a Cellphone! Part One

From payphones to cellphones-my how times have changed. Life Rewind: As you know, I am the parent of a child who transitioned to middle school status. Now with that status comes the dreaded question, "when can I have a cellphone?" My answer: "I know where you are at all times, for I take you to school and practice after school." So of course this is not the answer my child wants to hear, but that was the answer she was getting! Plus she was not ready to handle such a big responsibility, 


 Now I grew up in the age of the big box cellphones (remember watching Miami Vice episodes and seeing those phones?!!) and pagers in the 80's. I didn't even get my first cellphone until the mid-90's when I was in my early twenties. If  I could make it without a cellphone, then my daughter should be able to make it without a cellphone. In my mind, this shouldn't be a problem for her. I know where she is all the time. Yet according to my daughter, she believes she should have one so she can communicate with her parents and for emergencies. Her case in point came when she had to answer a "persuasive question" that was part of her summer packet (last summer) for English. The question was, "why do you think it is important for you to have a cellphone, and how do you convince your parents?" Her answer was as follows:

"This summer I took a week long bus trip to Nashville, TN with my tennis camp coaches and teammates. I didn’t have my own cell phone to call home. I had to use one of my teammate’s cell phones to call my parents to tell them we had made it safely to Nashville. Sometimes I had to use one of my coaches’ cell phones to check-in with my parents, which was difficult. So that is why I need my own cell phone, so that I can stay in contact with my family. Also I can use the phone in case there is an emergency when I am away again."

Nice paragraph, and persuasive in her way, but she didn't get a cellphone. Most of her friends and students of various ages and grades have cellphones. So of course this adds to her reason of why she should have one. But I am not responsible for any of the other kids but my own. I know where she is, because either my husband or I transport her everywhere.

Yet, my daughter's point about being able to communicate with us in case of emergency is valid. There has been times when she needed to talk to us, but she had to use a friend's or coach's cellphone. Like the example she gave above, it was difficult when she was away in Tennessee. Although we were able to call her via the coaches' cellphones, time to talk was limited. The kids with cellphones were able to contact their parents when they needed, while my daughter had to ask permission (via friend's phone or coach). I then thought about how strange it may have been for a parent to see a foreign cellphone number (mine or husband's) on their monthly statement (that's only if the parent paid attention to who their child called).

Now Press Forward

So look who finally got a phone! Okay now don't think we just caved in! This event of my daughter finally getting a phone came after months and months of discussion (actually this journey started about a year or two ago!). Last month for Mother's Day, I finally told my family that I wanted to upgrade my ancient phone (this journey/transition will be part two!). The upgrade would be my gift. So on that day, my hubby and girls took me to the Sprint store. While being upgraded, my hubby decided he would upgrade his phone too. So in turn, our daughter was getting his IPhone 4 model. Now my hubby and I had already discussed this scenario with our daughter. So it was no surprise!

We didn't just hand over the phone, for I made sure to write-up a contract! There are rules and regulations, in which my daughter must follow! She knows it is an honor and privilege to have this cellphone, and that it can be taken away at any time (that statement was in bold print!). Signing the contract meant she read and understood the rules, regulations, and consequences. My hubby and I signed and dated the contract with her. We then made sure she had the proper settings, like being able to find her phone at any time. Also I downloaded appropriate games from the App Store, so that I know what she is playing. Plus she doesn't have a her own Apple ID, which is a concern. At age 13 she can get one herself, but I can create one for her as long as I use a credit card. But that's another story!  I personally programmed her contact list. Because I know her close friends and their parents, she was able to get their numbers (mom approved).

It' has been more than a month, and she still has her phone! The transition hasn't been all smooth, but it has been a learning experience for her and us. My husband and I check her phone every day to make sure there is nothing inappropriate on the phone. So far she is being responsible and we want to keep it that way (safety too). So this has been Part One of "Look Who is Getting a Cellphone! Stay tuned for Part Two of Life Rewinds, Now Press Forward.

Kaisha (author)

Blog post copyright June 25, 2015
All Rights Reserved.

Transitions: Pressing Forward in Grief

Sorrow. Sadness. These are words that describe grief. Life rewind: grief came for one of the most important people in my life-my husband. It was December 18, 2014, which was a cold but sunny day. After dropping our girls off at school, we decided to do some last minute Christmas shopping for them. After a few hours, we headed home. As usual one of us would check the the house phone to see if we missed any calls. We did. As I finished putting away some items, I heard a screech like I have never heard before... then a Crash. I quickly followed the sounds into the living room where I found my husband rocking back and forth in a chair with his hands pounding the top of his head. The phone was the crash I heard, and it was lying on the floor. I picked it up to hear the voice (my sister-in-law) on the line say my mother-in-law has just gone home to be with the Lord. The transition was sudden.

The news was hard to take, because just six weeks before (the night before I started a new job) my husband's aunt had made her transition onto the Lord. It was sudden. She was Ms. Geraldine Wallace, and my mother-in-law's wonderful sister. These two women were beautiful, caring, accepting, and loving mothers. I thank God for having them in my life. I will always cherish the time spent with my mother-in-law and aunt. I have taken this transition process to heart, because my husband, girls, and I were unable to spend time with them last year in the summer. Summer is the time we look forward to every year, because we love going to Miami (husband's hometown).

 I have felt regret, because we were not able to travel there last summer. Although the occasion was a home going service for his aunt, I am glad my husband was able to see his mom. They were close and had a special bond. Mrs. Goring was truly a Blessing to us all.

Press Forward: it has taken me the last five months to write my thoughts down. I actually had started this post back in January, but was unable to write. However, I did manage to write a tribute poem while on an Amtrak train with my family. We left on Christmas day. I don't know how the words came, but they did. I was able to finish "The Mrs. Gloria"while on the 20 plus hour ride to Miami. I only shared the poem with one other family member, but the grief was too overwhelming. So in my notebook it stayed.

The poem stayed in my notebook until last week. This month of May is when we celebrate Mother's Day, but in my mind..it is Mother's Day every day. So in honor of my mother-in-law, I decided to share my tribute with my husband and in-laws. After getting the okay from my sister-in-law, I decided to share with family and friends on my other blog site www.thejoniecefile.com. My husband and his siblings each have a copy, and I hope my words have brought some comfort and peace. 

As time goes on, I hope the sorrow and sadness lessen. Yet the memory of my mother-in-law will grow in the hearts of those she touched...her Blessings. Everyone grieves for a lost one in his or her way. I don't know if the healing process gets better over time like the saying goes. All I know is getting through grief is a transition, in which you must press forward.

Kaisha

Blog post Copyright May 14, 2015
All Rights Reserved.