12/28/2018: I thought I was brave. I am walking into Howard University Hospital today to get a MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging). I have had one before. It was about eight years ago when I was suffering from hearing loss in my left ear. I didn't have any issues then, but today was another story. Today I am alone. I am walking into the hospital with a pep in my step thinking that I can do this. I check into admissions where I receive my paperwork and then proceed to the Radiology Department. After checking in, I am given instructions, a gown, and non-slip socks from the nurse.
After changing into the gown and locking up my personal items, I am lead into the room with the MRI machine. It looks just how I remember...Intimidating. But I know I got this. As I am lying here waiting to be drawn into the machine, I am calm and silently praying. Then the attendee gives me earplugs and puts up the side rails. What I call the "Hannibal Lecture" mask goes over my face. I don't remember this mask from the first time I did the MRI. The attendee hands me the squeeze ball while giving me instructions. He double checks to make sure my earplugs are secured. Breathe. I got this. The attendee leaves the room.
I am slowly drawn into the machine. The sound this MRI machine makes is worse than the sound of the old way we used to connect to the Internet. Eyes are open. Why are my eyes open? My heart rate begins to beat faster as I come to a stop. Again, why are my eyes open? I am looking at the ceiling inside this MRI machine, and it feels like my nose is two inches away from this ceiling. It's narrow inside. I feel like I am in a BOX. I can't move, and my heart is beating even faster. I can't breathe, but I am. I am now freaking out, and my anxiety is now in overdrive. I am having an ANXIETY ATTACK! I squeeze the ball. The attendee asks if everything is okay. "No, can I please come out?" It's probably been a total of three minutes that I have been inside and out of this MRI machine. I explain to the attendee and nurse that I can't do this. They suggest I see my primary care doctor to see if I can be prescribed medication. Xanax.
I explain to the attendee and nurse that I have never panicked to the extent of being medicated. Nah, I'm not about to start taking any medication I can get addicted to (this is my mind thinking). I barely take Ibuprofen for headaches. I will be seeing my primary care doctor on January 3, 2019. I make it back to the dressing area. Once I am dressed, I quickly leave before anyone sees and says anything to me. Back in my car, I call my husband to let him know I couldn't do it. He assures me everything will be okay. I text my mom and sister to let them know what happened. I drive home feeling defeated.
Now Press Forward
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| Photo courtesy of K. Goring |
I just shared one of many personal journal entries from a very personal health experience. I took this photo on Saturday, December 29, 2018 down by the Georgetown Waterfront. It was the day after my disappointing MRI appointment. My family had decided to cheer me up by going to the movies. I posted photos from our day on Facebook, in which I had subliminally thanked them for the pick me up. This was the profile picture I had chosen. One comment asked me, "Kaisha what's on your mind?" There was a lot going on in my mind that day. I was putting on a brave face for everyone, but I wasn't feeling Brave. There was something going on in my head that I needed answers to, but I couldn't make it through the MRI.
You see I was scared of the MRI process, because I had went by myself. Like I mentioned before, it was about eight years ago when I had my first MRI. I had suddenly started having hearing loss in my left ear, and I had the MRI to see what if anything was wrong. The results had shown everything was fine, but the doctors still didn't know the reason for the hearing loss. So if you ever notice that I turn my head to the right side when you are talking to me, then this is why. That first MRI experience eight years ago was different from the experience in December 2018, for my husband was able to be there. He was my support then (still is), but was unable to attend the second time around. I had really hyped myself up for the second MRI, because I already knew what to expect. In case you missed it, my Anxiety was in overdrive. Yes, I am one of many thousands of people who have sudden episodes of intense fear.
I have had moments of shortness of breathe and a racing heart rate, but never to the extent of that day in the MRI room. You are probably wondering what caused me to get to that day. Trust me, it has been a long process in finding out how I had gotten to that point of needing a second MRI. I will be sharing my story in hopes of helping others, for it's about maintaining physical and mental health. Until the next post, remember life does rewind, but now you must press forward.
Kaisha
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